Folly  for  the  Wise 


Folly  for  the  Wise 

By  •'"••:-:i 

Carolyn  Wells 


With  Illustrations  by 

Florence  Scovel  Shinn 

Gustave  Verbeek 

Fanny  Y.  Cory 

Oliver  Herford 


Indianapolis 

The  Bobbs-Merrill  Company 


Publishers 


COPYRIGHT  1904 
THE  BOBBS-MERRILL  COMPANY 

OCTOBER 


PRESS  OF 

BRAUNWORTH  &   CO. 

BOOKBINDERS  AND   PRINTERS 

UROOKLYN,  N.  Y. 


"  Folly  for  the  Wise" 
is  Dedicated 

To 
Those  Who  Are  Wise  Enough 

To  Know  Folly 
When  They  See  Her 


90265*3 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 


ABOUT  BOOKS 

ADVENTURES  OF  LITTLE  KATY,  Tin: 

ADVICE  TO  CHILDREN  73 

AND  YET  ANOTHER  l63 

ANIMAL  STUDIES 

APPLE-BUTTERFLY,  THE 

APPLE-CORMORANT,  THE 

AUTHORIZED  VERSIONS  97 

BABY'S  LOOKS 

BAKER'S  DOZEN  OF  WILD  B::A::,T:'-,  A  53 

BAN  ANACONDA,  THE 

BATH-BUNNY,  THE 

BATTERING-RAM,  THE 

BEAR,  THE 

BILLYCOCK,  THE 

BOOT-JACKAL,  THE 

BREAD-PANTHER,  THE 

CALM  STEAM-ROLLER,  THE 

CARELESS  NIECE,  THE 

CARNIVOROUS  BEAR,  THE  84 

CAT,  THE  33 

CHRISTMAS  THOUGHT,  A  I01 

CHURCH-PUMA,  THE  !9 

CLOTHES-HORSE,  THE 

COLD,  HARD  LAKE,  THE  85 

COMPOUND  ZOOLOGY  I 

CORN-PONE-Y,  THE  66 

CREAM-PUFFIN,  THE  6o 

DUCK,  THE  33 


T,  PAGE 

ECONOMICAL  PAIR,  THE  ,-.. 

ENGLISH  AS  SHE  Is  SPELLED  jgf 

EXPERIENCES  OF  GENTLE  JANE,  THE  84 


ELECTRIC-LIGHT  PLANT,  THE 

FLAPJACKAL 

FLY-LEAVES 


4, 
FLAPJACKAL,  THE  ^ 


^r 


g 

FOR  CHRISTMAS 

FOR  THE  VERY  YOUNG  ^ 

FOR  YOUNG  CHILDREN  6 

GOLD  CARATS  j 
GOOSE,  THE 

HALF-GUINEAPIG,  THE  - 

HAT  TREE,  THE  ^ 

HINTS  ON  TABLE  ETIQUETTE  I2I 
How  TO  KNOW  THE  WILD  ANIMALS 
How  TO  TELL  THE  WILD  FLOWERS 

INEXPENSIVE  CYNICISMS  no 

INSIDE  FACTS  Il6 

INSIDE  FACTS  ABOUT  AUTHORS  93 

IRISHMAN  AT  THE  LUNCH-COUNTER,  THE  ^ 

IRRITATOR,  AN  II2 

JEANETTE'S  PRANKS  g^ 

JOHNNY'S  FUN  gx 

KID,  THE  34 

LESSON  IN  HOUSEHOLD  PETS,  A  77 

LIMERICKS  j6l 

LION,  THE  32 

LITTLE  BISCUITTEN,  A  5g 

LOLLIPOPOSSUM,  THE  5 

LONELINESS  g- 

LOVE  I63 

MANUAL  OF  MANNERS  FOR  YOUNG  ANIMALS  35 

MAXIOMS  c0 

MERINGUE-UTANG,  THE  6^ 

MERRY  GAME,  A  g2 

MERRY  MOSES  gr 

MINCE-PYTHON,  THE  57 


PAGE 

MlNT-JULEPARD,  THE  4 

MIXED  MAXIMS  108 

MIXED  MORALS  133 

MORE  MAXIOMS  80 

MORE  MIXED  MAXIMS  158 

NAUGHTY  AUTOMOBILE,  THE  85 

NECK-TIGER,  THE  15 

NEEDED  INSTITUTION,  A  106 

NEW  EXPERIENCE,  A  85 

OLD  LADY  FROM  DOVER,  THE  165 

OUR  POLITE  PARENTS  81 

OUT  OF  ALL  PROPORTION  102 

PASTRY-CUCKOO,  THE  68 

PUPPY,  THE  34 

RASPBERRY  SHRUB,  THE  46 

RED-TAPIR,  THE  13 

RETRIBUTION  104 

RUDE  TRAIN,  THE  84 

SALT-PORCUPINE,  THE  9 

SARATOGA  TRUNK,  THE  39 

SEDATE  MAMMA  81 

SMALL  GINGER-SNAPPER,  THE  61 

SOCIETY  BUD,  THE  44 

SQUARE  ROOT,  THE  49 

STAGE  WHISPERS  115 

STEEL-PENGUIN,  THE  3 

STONE-CROCKODILE,  THE  67 

STONE-WALRUS,  THE  17 

SUICIDAL  CAT,  THE  28 

SWEET-PEACOCK,  THE  n 

TEN-CENTIPEDE,  THE  10 

TIN-CANGAROO,  THE  62 

To  A  BAKED  FISH  123 

To  THE  BUTTER  129 

To  CUCUMBERS  128 

To  LAMB  CHOPS  125 


To  LETTUCE 


124 


PAGE 

To  THE  MORNING  PATER  126 

To  A  SALAD  127 

TOM  AND  GRANDPA  82 

TOWEL-RACCOON,  THE  21 

TRAGIC  CALENDAR,  A  in 

TRAIN,  THE  4:04  164 

TURNINGS  OF  A  BOOKWORM,  Tin-:  91 

TUTOR,  THE  164. 

TWO  AUTOMOBILISTS,  THE  147 

Two  BROTHERS,  THE  140 

Two  BUSINESS  MEN,  THK  149 

Two  FARMERS,  THE  139 

Two  HOUSEWIVES,  THK  145 

Two  HUSBANDS,  THE  151 

Two  LADIES,  THE  141 

Two  NEW  HOUSES,  Tin:  135 

Two  PEDESTRIANS,  THI;  155 

Two  PRISONERS,  THE  157 

Two  SUITORS,  THE  137 

Two  YOUNG  MEN,  THE  143 

VERMICELLIPHANT,  THE  18 

VERSE  AND  WORSE  109 

WALLFLOWER,  A  47 

WALL  STREET  BULLS  AND  BEARS  12 

WHITE  CHARLOTTE-ROOSTER,  THE  56 

WIDOW'S  WEEDS  43 

WILD  ANIMALS  I  HAVE  MET  32 

WILD  OATS  42 

WlNE-jELLY-FlSH,  THE  65 

WlSEACREAGE  Il8 

WORD  CAN-CAN,  A  166 


Folly  for  the  Wise 


COMPOUND  ZOOLOGY 


The  Steel-Penguin 

The  Steel-Penguin  is  awfully  proud, 
And  scratches  obtrusively  loud; 
Though  pens  of  a  feather 
May  all  flock  together, 
His  nibs  won't  be  seen  in  the  crowd, 


The  Mint-Julepard 

A  Mint-Julepard  flew  at  the  throat 
Of  a  man  at  a  French  table  d'hote; 
Yet  strange  to  relate, 
The  man  met  his  fate 
With  9  fortitude  worthy  of  note. 


The  Half-Guineapig 

The  Half-Guineapig  is  a  freak, 
For  which  many  eagerly  seek; 
Though  worthy  of  praise, 
They're  not  easy  to  raise — 
I  haven't  seen  one  for  a  week. 


The  Lo/lipopossum 

The  Lollipopossum,  it  seems, 
Is  made  out  of  chocolate  creams ; 
He  hangs  by  his  tail 
From  a  bough  or  a  rail, 
And  has  most  remarkable  dreams, 


The  Boot-Jackal 

The  Boot-Jackal  is  deadly,  though  small; 
He's  so  tame  he  will  come  at  your  call; 

Or  he'll  whizz  through  the  night, 

Like  a  bird  in  full  flight, 
After  cats  on  the  back  garden  wall. 


The  tipple-Cormorant 

Said  an  old  Apple -Cormorant,  "See? 

I  am  found  on  my  own  family-tree. 
The  botanists  say 
I'm  a  wild  bird  of  prey; 

How  little  they  know  about  me!" 


The  Salt-Porcupine 

We  see  here  a  Sa.t-Porcupine 
Who  is  kept  in  a  barrel  of  brine; 
Whenever  he  sleeps 
He  abundantly  weeps, 
To  renew  his  surroundings  saline. 


The  Ten-Centipede 

The  Ten-Centipede  can  not  climb, 
For  each  of  his  legs  is  a  dime. 

He's  silver  you  see, 

So  he  wants  to  be  free, 
But  they  keep  him  tied  up  all  the  time, 


10 


The  Sweet- Peacock 

A  Sweet-Peacock  once  said:  "I  presume 
I  take  up  a  great  deal  of  room ; 

But  of  course  you  must  see 

It  is  necessaree, 
As  my  feathers  are  all  in  full  bloom." 

1 1 


Street  Bulls  and  Bears 

A  Wall  Street  Bull  or  Bear's  a  clever  beast; 
Usually  smooth -skinned,  though   they're 

sometimes  fleeced. 

They  live  on  copper,  cotton,  oil  or  wheat, 
Or  anything  they  find  upon  the  Street. 
They  watch  the  time  for  watering  the  stock, 
Although  they'd  rather   drink  champagne 

or  hock. 


The  Red-Tapir 

The  Red-Tapir  seems  useless  to  me ; 

He  lives  in  a  desk,  as  you  see; 
He  pokes  his  long  nose 
Into  other  folks'  woes, 

And  then  calmly  asks  for  a  fee. 

13 


The  Clothes-Horse 

The  Clothes-Horse,  decked  in  brave  array, 
Caparisoned  with  trappings  gay, 

Without  a  doubt  is  of  the  breed 
Of  the  old  Trojans'  famous  steed. 

And  every  year  we  gladly  go 

To  see  the  festive  clothes-horse  show. 


The  Neck-Tiger 

A  Neck-Tiger  who  lived  in  a  drawer 
Said,  "My  limited  scope  I  deplore; 
But  I  will  not  demur, 
Though  I'd  greatly  prefer 
To  run  in  the  jungle  and  roar." 


The  Billycock 

The  Billycock's  a  smart  and  handsome 
fowl, 

Though  gray  and  sober-colored  as  an  owl. 

It  has  no  feathers;  and  it  is  a  bird 

That  may  be  felt,  though  it  can  not  be  heard. 

Though  found  above  all  human  imperfec 
tions, 

It  sometimes  makes  a  bet  upon  elections. 


16 


The  Stone-Walrus 

This  Stone- Walrus  is  used  as  a  guard 
To  keep  people  out  of  the  yard. 
It  sighs  for  the  sea, 
And  gets  mad  as  can  be, 
And  I  must  say  I  think  it  is  hard. 

17 


The  Vermicelliphant 

The  old  Vermicelliphant  went 
Right  into  the  big  circus  tent. 
He  forgot  in  his  haste, 
He  was  nothing  but  paste, 
And  he  couldn't  perform  worth  a  cent 


18 


The  Church-Puma 

A  Church-Puma  exclaimed,  "I  declare 
This  is  an  extremely  fine  lair; 

But  they  won't  let  me  grunt, 
And  there's  nothing  to  hunt,— 
I'll  just  slip  out  during  the  prayer." 


The  Eananaconda 

The  Bananaconda  is  thin, 
With  a  reddish  or  yellow  skin. 

He's  not  quite  a  brute, 

Nor  exactly  a  fruit, 
Though  to  each  of  them  he  is  akin. 


The  Towel-Racoon 

The  Towel-Racoon,  it  is  said, 
Is  a  patient  and  tame  quadruped ; 
He's  exceedingly  strong, 
And  his  legs,  thin  and  long, 
Proclaim  him  a  true  thoroughbred, 


The  Apple-Butterfly 

Apple-Butterflies  are  very  sweet, 

And  they're  awfully  good  things  to  eat; 

They're  raised,  you  must  know, 

In  the  country,  and  so 
At  a  farm-house  you'll  find  them  a  treat. 


22 


ANIMAL  STUDIES 


How  to  Know  the  Wild  Animals 

If  ever  you  should  go  by  chance 

To  jungles  in  the  East, 
And  if  there  should  to  you  advance 

A  large  and  tawny  beast — 
If  he  roar  at  you  as  you're  dyin', 

You'll  know  it  is  the  Asian  Lion. 

If,  when  in  India  loafing  round, 
A  noble  wild  beast  meets  you, 

With  dark  stripes  on  a  yellow  ground, 
Just  notice  if  he  eats  you. 

This  simple  rule  may  help  you  learn 
The  Bengal  Tiger  to  discern. 


When  strolling  forth,  a  beast  you  view 
Whose  hide  with  spots  is  peppered ; 

As  soon  as  it  has  leapt  on  you, 
You'll  know  it  is  the  Leopard. 

'T  will  do  no  good  to  roar  with  pain, 
He'll  only  lep  and  lep  again. 

If  you  are  sauntering  round  your  yard, 
And  meet  a  creature  there 

Who  hugs  you  very,  very  hard, 
You'll  know  it  is  the  Bear. 

If  you  have  any  doubt,  I  guess 

He'll  give  you  just  one  more  caress. 

Whene'er  a  quadruped  you  view 

Attached  to  any  tree, 
It  may  be  'tis  the  Wanderoo, 

Or  yet  the  Chimpanzee. 
If  right  side  up  it  may  be  both, 

If  upside  down  it  is  the  Sloth. 


26 


Though  to  distinguish  beasts  of  prey 
A  novice  might  nonplus; 

Yet  from  the  Crocodile  you  may 
Tell  the  Hyena,  thus: 

'Tis  the  Hyena  if  it  smile; 

If  weeping,  'tis  the  Crocodile. 

The  true  Chameleon  is  small  — 

A  lizard  sort  of  thing; 
He  hasn't  any  ears  at  all 

And  not  a  single  wing. 
If  there  is  nothing  on  the  tree 

'Tis  the  Chameleon  you  see. 


The  Suicidal  Cat 

A  little  cat  whose  heart  was  broke 
Sat  down  one  day  and  cried, 

And  with  a  deep,  despairing  sigh 
Resolved  on  suicide. 

Saying,  "Nobody  in  the  world 
Would  mourn  me  if  I  died!" 

Nine  lives  the  little  cat  had. 

Oh,  his  was  a  direful  fate. 
But  he  was  cool  and  self-possessed, 

Extremely  up-to-date; 
He  fired  a  well-aimed  pistol-shot, 

And  then  his  lives  were  eight. 

28 


His  deadly  purpose  faltered  not. 

That  night  about  eleven 
He  shut  his  door,  turned  on  the  gas, 

And  rolled  his  eyes  toward  heaven. 
The  night  wore  on.     When  morning 
came 

His  little  lives  were  seven. 

Next  night  the  reckless  little  cat 
Again  approached  the  Styx; 

He  tied  around  his  slender  neck 
Two  awful  heavy  bricks. 

A  splash,  a  choke,  a  gurgle,  and 
His  lives  were  then  but  six. 

"Confound  it!"  cried  the  little  cat, 

"Why  must  I  stay  alive? 
Is  there  no  efficacious  death 

From  which  I  can't  revive?" 
He  bought  a  rope  and  hanged  himself, 

But  still  his  lives  were  five. 


Then  fiercely  raged  the  little  cat, 

And  wickedly  he  swore. 
He  grasped  the  great  big  carving  knife 

And  finished  one  life  more; 
And  then  he  wondered  how  on  earth 

He'd  fix  the  other  four. 

A  while  he  pondered  thoughtfully, 
Then  said,  "It  seems  to  me 

To  meet  a  passing  railroad  train 
Expedient  would  be." 

Suiting  the  action  to  the  word, 
The  cat's  lives  now  were  three. 

When  he  got  up  and  shook  himself, 

He  felt  a  trifle  blue. 
"Mine  is  indeed  a  strenuous  death," 

He  said.    "What  can  I  do? 
Aha!  some  nitroglycerine!" 

Full  soon  his  lives  were  two. 


"Well,"  he  remarked  contentedly, 
"The  deed  is  almost  done; 

I've  very  nearly  severed 

The  thread  the  Fates  have  spun." 

A  teaspoonful  of  poison  next 
Reduced  his  lives  to  one. 

A  grin  of  satisfaction 

Across  his  features  spread. 

"Now  for  the  grand  finale!" 
The  little  cat  then  said. 

He  bought  an  automobile.      Soon 
The  little  cat  was  dead. 


Wild  Animals  I  Have  Met 

THE  LION 
I've  met  this  beast  in  drawing-rooms, 

'Mong  ladies  gay  with  silks  and  plumes, 
He  looks  quite  bored,  and  silly,  too, 

When  he's  held  up  to  public  view. 
I  think  I  like  him  better  when 

Alone  I  brave  him  in  his  den. 

THE  BEAR 
I  never  seek  the  surly  Bear, 

But  if  I  meet  him  in  his  lair 
I  say,  "Good  day,  sir;  sir,  good  day," 

And  then  make  haste  to  get  away. 
It  is  no  pleasure,  I  declare, 

To  meet  the  cross,  ill-natured  Bear. 

32 


THE  GOOSE 

I  know  it  would  be  of  ao  use 
To  say  Pd  never  met  a  Goose. 

There  are  so  many  all  around, 

With  idle  look  and  clacking  sound. 

And  sometimes  it  has  come  to  pass 
I've  seen  one  in  my  looking-glass. 

THE  DUCK 

This  merry  one,  with  laughing  eyes, 
Not  too  sedate  nor  overwise, 

Is  best  of  comrades ;  frank  and  free, 
A  clever  hand  at  making  tea; 

A  fearless  nature,  full  of  pluck, 
I  like  her  well — she  is  a  Duck. 

THE  CAT 

The  Cat's  a  nasty  little  beast; 

She's  seen  at  many  a  f6te  and  feast. 
She's  spiteful,  sly  and  double-faced, 

Exceeding  prim,  exceeding  chaste. 
And  while  a  soft,  sleek  smile  she  wears, 

Her  neighbor's  reputation  tears. 

33 


THE  PUPPY 

Of  all  the  animals  I've  met 

The  Puppy  is  the  worst  one  yet. 

Clumsy  and  crude,  he  hasn't  brains 
Enough  to  come  in  when  it  rains. 

But  with  insufferable  conceit 

He  thinks  that  he  is  just  too  sweet. 

THE  KID 

Kids  are  the  funniest  things  I  know; 

Nothing  they  do  but  eat  and  grow. 
They're  frolicsome,  and  it  is  said 

They  eat  tin  cans  and  are  not  dead. 
I'm  not  astonished  at  that  feat, 

For  all  things  else  I've  seen  them  eat. 


34 


Manual  of  Manners  for  Young  Animals 

Dear   Little  Tiger,   it  is  rude 

To  growl  and  grumble  at  your  food; 

So  learn  this  lesson,  I  implore  you, — 
Always   eat  what's  placed  before  you. 

Dear  Little  Whale,  let  me  entreat 

That  you  will  keep  quite  clean  and  neat; 

Pray  do  not  storm  and  rage  with  wrath 
When  you  are  told  to  take  a  bath. 

Dear  Little  Owl,  try  to  be  good 

And  mind  your  mother  as  you  should; 

With  cheerful  smile  forsake  your  play 
When  sent  to  take  a  nap  each  day. 

35 


Dear  Little  Bear,  affectionate  be 

Toward  all  the  people  that  you  see; 

Heed  not  their  cold  and  haughty  shrugs 
But  greet  them  with  endearing  hugs. 

My  Dear  Hyena,  your  sweet  smile 

Proves  that  you  have  no  thought  of  guile; 

But  when  you  meet  a  timid  man 
Pray  laugh  as  little  as  you  can. 

Dear  Little  Leopard,  have  you  tried 

To  clean  those  spots  from  off  your  hide? 

If  soap  and  sand  will  not  succeed, 
Then  gasoline  is  what  you  need. 


HOW  TO   TELL   THE 
WILD  FLOWERS 


The  Saratoga  Trunk 

The  Saratoga  Trunk  I  find 

To  be  the  largest  of  its  kind. 
'Tis  old  and  hollow,  and  perhaps 

That's  why  it's  fastened  round  with  straps; 
But  look  inside — it  seems  to  be 

The  trunk  of  some  old  family  tree. 


39 


The  Hat  Tree 

The  curious  Hat  Tree  has  no  roots, 
But  often  it  hangs  full  of  fruits; 

Broad-leafed  varieties  are  seen; 

They're  black  or  yellow,  white  or  green; 

And  sometimes  the  strange  fruit  it  grants 
Of  umbrella  trees  or  rubber  plants. 


40 


Gold  Carats 

Gold  Carats  in  the  West  are  found. 

They  are  dug  up  from  good,  rich  ground, 
Yellow  and  fine,  by  all  they're  sought, 

And  in  the  market  may  be  bought. 
On  rich  men's  tables  they  are  placed, 

Though  many  question  their  good  taste. 


Wild  Oats 

Wild  Oats  are  sown  by  many  a  fop, 
Who  is  dismayed  to  see  the  crop. 

He  goes  to  threshing  with  a  vim, 

(The  threshing  should  be  given  to  him ! ) 

Alas!   the  oats  he  can't  remove— 

A  food  for  nightmares  oft  they  prove. 


W^idow  s  Weeds 

A  crop  of  Widow's  Weeds  they  say, 
May  spring  up  in  a  single  day. 

If  watered  with  a  rain  of  tears 

The  crop  will  sometimes  last  for  years; 

But  Time  may  mow  them  down  apace 
And  orange  blossoms  take  their  place. 


43 


The  Society  Bud 

A  house-plant; — in  a  heated  room 
This  little  bud  is  forced  to  bloom ; 

'Tis  young  and  small  and  somewhat  green, 
Close  to  the  parent  stem  'tis  seen, 

And  if  it  ventures  but  to  speak, 

A  blush  comes  to  its  soft,  pink  cheek. 


44 


The  Electric-Light  Plant 

Here's  the  Electric-Light  Plant;  see 
How  bright  its  blossoms  seem  to  be. 

Afar  it  spreads  its  branching  routes; 
Electric  currents  are  its  fruits. 

It  is  a  house-plant;  in  our  rooms 
We  may  enjoy  its  brilliant  blooms. 


45 


The  Raspberry  Shrub 

Next  of  the  Raspberry  Shrub  I'll  tell 
By  glass  protected,  it  thrives  well. 

Like  to  the  mushroom,  it  is  found 
In  dark,  damp  cellars  underground, 

It  needs  no  watering  at  all, 
And  ripens  in  the  early  fall. 


46 


A  Wallflower 

A  faded  Wallflower  we  may  spy, 
Hardy,  perennial,  five  feet  high. 

It  clings  to  walls  of  drawing-rooms, 
It  leaves  quite  late  and  never  blooms. 

If  it  were  but  a  bud,  ah,  then 

'Twould  be  much  more  admired  by  men, 


47 


Fly- Leaves 

Of  surface  smooth  and  texture  fine, 

These  leaves  have  neither  vein  nor  line. 

They're  found  in  groups  of  two  or  three: 
Of  little  use  they  seem  to  be. 

Even  in  autumn,  it  is  said, 

Though  they  may  turn,  they  are  not  read. 


The  Square  Root 

The  Square  Root  is  not  nice  a  bit. 

Mathematicians  dig  for  it; 
They  seem  to  relish  it,  but  I 

Think  it  exceeding  hard  and  dry. 
Yet  'tis  of  use,  for  I  suppose 

From  it  a  branch  of  learning  grow 


49 


Maxioms 

Reward  is  its  own  virtue. 
The  wages  of  sin  is  alimony. 
Money  makes  the  mayor  go. 
A  penny  saved  spoils  the  broth. 
Of  two  evils,  choose  the  prettier. 
There's  no  fool  like  an  old  maid. 
Make  love  while  the  moon  shines. 
Where  there's  a  won't  there's  a  way. 
Nonsense  makes  the  heart  grow  fonder. 
A  word  to  the  wise  is  a  dangerous  thing. 
A  living  gale  is  better  than  a  dead  calm. 
A  fool  and  his  money  corrupt  good  manners. 

5° 


A  word  in  the  hand  is  worth  two  in  the  ear. 

A  man  is   known  by  the  love-letters  he 
keeps. 

A  guilty  conscience  is  the  mother  of 
invention. 

Whosoever  thy  hands  find  to  do,  do  with 
thy  might. 

It's  a  wise  child  who  knows  less  than  his 
own  father. 

Never  put  off  till  to-morrow  what  you  can 
wear  to-night. 

He  who  loves  and  runs  away,  may  live  to 
love  another  day. 


A  BAKER'S  DOZEN  OF 
WILD  BEASTS 


The  Bath-Bunny 

The  Bath-Bunny  is  chubby  and  fat; 
He  has  citron  stuck  into  his  hat; 

And  sugar  is  spread 

All  over  his  head, 
But  he  cares  not  a  penny  for  that. 


55 


The  White  Charlotte-Rooster- 
The  White  Charlotte-Rooster  averred 
At  the  cake-walk  he'd  beat  every  bird; 
Of  course  he  was  whipped, 
Though  he  hopped  and  he  skipped 
In  a  manner  extremely  absurd. 

56 


The  Mince- Python 

The  Mince-Python  Js  a  crusty  old  beast, 
But  a  spirited  guest  at  a  feast; 

One  night  at  my  niece's 

He  went  all  to  pieces, 
Or  felt  awfully  cut  up,  at  least. 


57 


A  Little  Eiscuitten 

A  little  Biscuitten  said,  "How 

Shall  I  open  my  mouth  when  I  meow? 

For  I  can  not  adjust 

My  crisp  upper  crust, 
And  I  don't  like  to  wrinkle  my  brow.' 


The  Bread-Panther 

The  Bread-Panther  remarked  with  a  scowl: 
"I  wish  I  could  go  out  and  prowl! 
It  's  so  awfully  slow 
To  sit  here  and  hold  dough, 
Though  it  's  all  covered  up  with  a  towel." 


59 


T/:e  Cream- Puffin 

The  Cream-Puffin,  who  lives  upon  custard, 
One  day  grew  quite  angry,  and  blustered; 
When  they  said, -Will  he  bite?" 
He  replied,  "Well  I  might 
If  you  sprinkle  me  thickly  with  mustard." 


60 


The  Small  Ginger- Snapper 

The  small  Ginger-Snapper  in  glee 
Said,  "I'm  going  to  swim  in  the  sea." 

When  they  said,  "You'll  be  drowned! " 

Quite  darkly  he  frowned, 
Saying,  "That  doesn't  matter  to  me." 

61 


The  Tin-Cangaroo 

There  was  an  old  Tin-Cangaroo, 
And  very  conceited  he  grew, 

For  in  all  of  the  shops 

They  noticed  his  hops, 
Which  were  found  in  the  yeast  he  would  brew. 

62 


The  Meringue-Utang 

The  Meringue-Utang  rose  on  the  sly, 
And  climbed  to  the  top  of  a  pie; 
They  beat  him  to  froth, 
And  he  felt  very  wroth, 
But  he  only  said  calmly,  "Oh,  my!" 


The  Flapjackal 

The  Flapjackal's  dearest  desire 
Was  to  lie  by  a  very  hot  fire; 

When  he  found  he  was  burned, 

He  suddenly  turned 
With  a  gesture  expressive  of  ire. 


The  JFine-Jelly-Fish 

The  Wine-Jelly-Fish  will  not  scold 
If  the  weather  's  sufficiently  cold; 
And  though  the  queer  creature 
Has  scarcely  a  feature, 
He  is  proud  of  his  form,  I  am  told. 

65 


The  Corn-Pone-y 

The  timid  Corn-Pone-y's  heart  fluttered, 
But  never  a  sentence  he  uttered, 
Until  somebody  said, 
"Pray,  are  you  well-bred?" 
And  he  answered,  "I'm  very  well  buttered/ 

66 


The  Stone-Crockodile 

On  a  shelf  sat  a  Stone-Crockodile 
Who  had  a  phenomenal  smile; 
If  you  offered  him  lard 
He  winked  very  hard, 
And  he  ate  an  astonishing  pile. 


67 


The  Pastry-Cuckoo 

Then  in  came  the  Pastry-Cuckoo, 
And  she  said  to  the  animals,  "Shoo!" 
With  roars  of  delight 
They  were  soon  out  of  sight; 
Some  ran,  some  hopped,  and  some  flew. 

68 


FOR  YOUNG  CHILDREN 


For  the  Very  Young 

The  Sole  is  a  fish  of  pale,  pearly  hues; 
From  him  we  may  get  sole  leather  for  shoes. 

The  Hornet  is  pretty,  he  hovers  round  hives; 
From  him  we  obtain  horn  handles  for  knives. 

The  Mo  is  a  beast  found  in  Tibet,  I  guess; 
From  him  we  procure  mohair  for  a  dress. 

The  Tapir  is  useful,  as  you  may  suppose; 
From  him  we  get  tape  to  sew  on  our  clothes. 

The  Bunting  's  a  bird  that  lives  in  the  trees ; 
From  him  we  make  flags  which  wave  in  the 
breeze. 

7* 


The  Butterfly  seems  to  be  useful,  indeed; 
From  him  we  get  butter,  which  all  of  us  need. 

The  Jellyfish  lives  in  the  depths  of  the  sea ; 
From  him  we  get  jelly  to  eat  at  our  tea. 

The  Penguin  's  a  bird  that  walks,  flies  or  floats; 
From   him  we  get  pens  to  write  letters  and 
notes. 

The  Electric  Eel  shines  by  day  and  by  night; 
From  him  we  obtain  electrical  light. 

The   Ring-Dove  is  gray,  with   dark,  glossy 

wings; 
From  him  we  get  ruby  and  diamond  rings. 


Advice  to  Children 

For  a  domestic,  gentle  pet, 
A  hippopotamus  I'd  get — 

They're  very  kind  and  mild. 
I'm  sure  if  you  but  purchase  one 
You'll  find  'twill  make  a  lot  of  fun 

For  any  little  child. 

Select  one  of  a  medium  size, 
With  glossy  fur  and  soft  blue  eyes, 

Then  brush  and  comb  him  well. 
With  wreaths  of  flowers  his  forehead  deck, 
And  from  a  ribbon  round  his  neck 

Suspend  a  silver  bell. 


73 


If  it  should  be  a  rainy  day, 
Up  in  the  nursery  he  will  play 

With  Baby,  Tot  and  Ted; 
Upon  the  rocking-horse  he'll  ride, 
Or  merrily  he'll  run  and  hide 

Beneath  a  chair  or  bed. 

And  when  he  wants  to  take  a  nap, 
He'll  cuddle  up  in  Totty's  lap, 

As  quiet  as  a  mouse. 
Just  try  it,  and  you'll  soon  agree 
A  hippopotamus  should  be 

A  pet  in  every  house. 


74 


The  Adventures  of  Little  Katy 

Little  Katy  wandered  where 
She  espied  a  Grizzly  Bear. 

Noticing  his  savage  wrath, 

Katy  kicked  him  from  her  path. 

Little  Katy,  darling  child, 

Met  a  Leopard,  fierce  and  wild; 
Ere  the  ugly  creature  sped  off, 

Little  Katy  bit  his  head  off. 

Katy,  in  her  best  blue  cape, 
Met  a  furious  angry  Ape; 

But  his  rage  received  a  check, — 
Little  Katy  wrung  his  neck. 


75 


Little  Katy  met  a  Lion; 

From  starvation  he  was  dyin'. 
Though  misfortune  hadn't  crushed  him, 

Katy  stepped  on  him  and  squshed  him. 

Little  Katy,  near  the  Niger, 

Met  a  big,  blood-thirsty  Tiger; 

Tied  a  brick  around  his  throat, 

Went  and  drowned  him  in  the  moat. 

Little  Katy  had  a  fuss 

With  a  Hippopotamus; 
Though  the  beast  was  somewhat  weighty, 

He  was  soon  knocked  out  by  Katy. 

Little  Katy  flushed  with  ire 

As  a  hungry  Wolf  came  nigh  her. 

So  impertinent  was  he, 

Katy  chased  him  up  a  tree. 

Little  Katy,  once  by  chance 

Met  a  drove  of  Elephants; 
Katy,  fearing  they  might  crowd  her, 

Scattered  round  some  Persian  powder. 

76 


A  Lesson  in  Household  Pets 

Dear  Child,  who  wants  a  household  pet, 

For  you  these  lines  are  written. 
Don't  let  your  Aunt  or  Mother  get 

A  bird,  or  dog,  or  kitten, 
But  tell  them,  for  a  pleasant  change 

From  those  old  hackneyed  creatures, 
You'd  like  a  beast  of  wider  range 

And  less  familiar  features. 

For  nature's  lessons  can't  be  learned 

In  school-room  or  in  college; 
But  by  proximity  discerned 

Is  perfect  nature  knowledge. 
So   do  not  tramp  the  wild,  wet  wood, 

And  get  all  damp  and  muddy; 
But  in  your  nursery,  sweet  and  good, 

Pursue  your  nature  study. 


So,  Child,  whatever  be  your  age, 

Instead  of  a  Canary, 
Just  keep  within  your  gilded  cage 

A  pretty  Dromedary. 
'Twill  teach  you  more  of  nature-lore 

Than  wearisome  researches, 
To  hear  the  little  darling  roar, 

And   hop  about  on  perches. 

A  few  nice  Jaguars  will  give 

A  lot  more  fun  than  rabbits; 
Then  you  can  notice  how  they  live 

And  study  their  queer  habits. 
And  I'm  prepared  to  guarantee, 

If  you  like  life  and  action, 
Two  Jaguars,  or  maybe  three, 

Will  give  you  satisfaction. 

When  you  by  day  are  playing  round, 
Or  when  at  night  you're  sleeping, 

A  pet  Rhinoceros,  I've  found 
Will  well  repay  the  keeping. 


By  day  he'll  willingly  be  fed 
With  all  the  folks  provide  you; 

At  night,  upon  your  little  bed, 
He'll  cuddle  down  beside  you. 

Of  course  it  may  not  seem  to  you 

I've  mentioned  very  many, 
But  I  have  just  picked  out  a  few 

Which  I  think  best  of  any. 
If  you  make  Aunt  or  Mother  get 

All  these  I've  recommended, 
Your  poor  old-fashioned  household  pet 

Will  find  its  reign  is  ended. 


79 


Our  Polite  Parents 

SEDATE  MAMMA 

When  guests  were  present,  dear  little  Mabel 
Climbed  right  up  on  the  dinner-table 

And  naughtily  stood  upon  her  head! 

"I  wouldn't  do  that,  dear,"  Mamma  said. 

MERRY  MOSES 

Merry,  funny  little  Moses 

Burnt  off  both  his  brothers'  noses; 
And  it  made  them  look  so  queer 

Mamma  said,  "Why,  Moses,  dear!" 

JOHNNY'S  FUN 

Johnny  climbed  up  on  the  bed, 

And  hammered  nails  in  Mamma's  head. 

Though  the  child  was  much  elated, 
Mamma  felt  quite  irritated. 

80 


A  MERRY  GAME 

Betty  and  Belinda  Ames 

Had  the  pleasantest  of  games; 

'Twas  to  hide  from  one  another 
Marmaduke,  their  baby  brother. 

Once  Belinda,  little  love, 
Hid  the  baby  in  the  stove; 

Such  a  joke!  for  little  Bet 
Hasn't  found  the  baby  yet. 

TOM  AND  GRANDPA 

From  his  toes  up  to  his  shins 

Tom  stuck  Grandpa  full  of  pins; 

Although  Tom  the  fun  enjoyed, 
Grandpapa  was  quite  annoyed. 

BABY'S  LOOKS 

Bobby  with  the  nursery  shears 
Cut  off  both  the  baby's  ears; 

At  the  baby,  so  unsightly, 

Mamma  raised  her  eyebrows  slightly, 


81 


JEANETTE'S  PRANKS 

One  night,  Jeanette,  a  roguish  little  lass, 
Sneaked  in  the  guest  room  and  turned  on  the  gas; 
When  morning  dawned  the  guest  was  dead  in 

bed, 
But  "Children  will  be  children,"  Mamma  said. 


82 


The    Experiences  of  Gentle  Ja?ie 

THE  CARNIVOROUS  BEAR. 

Gentle  Jane  went  walking,  where 
She  espied  a  Grizzly  Bear; 

Flustered  by  the  quadruped 
Gentle  Jane  just  lost  her  head. 

THE  RUDE  TRAIN 

Last  week  Tuesday,  gentle  Jane 
Met  a  passing  railroad  train; 

"Ah,  good  afternoon/'  she  said; 
But  the  train  just  cut  her  dead. 

THE  CARELESS  NIECE 

Once  her  brother's  child,  for  fun, 
Pointed  at  her  aunt  a  gun. 

At  this  conduct  of  her  niece's 
Gentle  Jane  went  all  to  pieces. 

83 


THE  NAUGHTY  AUTOMOBILE 

Gentle  Jane  went  for  a  ride, 
But  the  automobile  shied; 

Threw  the  party  all  about — 

Somehow,  Jane  felt  quite  put  out. 

THE  COLD,  HARD  LAKE. 

Gentle  Jane  went  out  to  skate; 

She  fell  through  at  half-past  eight. 
Then  the  lake,  with  icy  glare, 

Said,  "Such  girls  I  can  not  bear." 

THE  CALM  STEAM-ROLLER 

In  the  big  steam-roller's  path 

Gentle  Jane  expressed  her  wrath. 

It  passed  over.     After  that 

Gentle  Jane  looked  rather  flat. 

A  NEW  EXPERIENCE 

Much  surprised  was  gentle  Jane 
When  a  bullet  pierced  her  brain; 

"Such  a  thing  as  that/'  she  said, 
"Never  came  into  my  head!" 

84 


THE  BATTERING-RAM 

"Ah!"  said  gentle  Jane,  "I   am 
Proud  to  meet  a  battering-ram." 

Then,  with  shyness  overcome, 

Gentle  Jane  was  just  struck  dumb. 


More  Maxioms 

Circumstances  alter  faces. 

Modesty  is  the  best  policy. 

Quacks  are  stubborn  things. 

Seize  time  by  the  love-lock. 

Home  was  not  built  in  a  day. 

A  rolling  gait  gathers  remorse. 

None  but  the  brave  go  to  a  fair. 

A  little  loving  is  a  dangerous  thing. 

Society  's  the  mother  of  convention. 

Only  a  fool  never  minds  his  change. 

Charity  uncovers  a  multitude  of  sins. 

A  church  fair  exchange  is  often  robbery. 

It's  a  wise  girl  who  knows  her  own  mind. 

The  love  of  money  is  the  root  of  all 
pessimism. 

Let  us  eat,  drink  and  be  married,  for  to 
morrow  we  dye. 


86 


Loneliness 

The  weary,  dreary  hours  drag  by — 
The  clocks  strike  now  and  then; 

Impassively  I  wonder  why, — 
And  then  I  wonder  when. 


87 


ABOUT  BOOKS 


The  Turnings  of  a  Bookworm 

Love  levels  all  plots. 
Dead  men  sell  no  tales. 
A  new  boom  sweeps  clean. 
Circumstances  alter  bookcases. 
The  more  haste  the  less  read. 
Too  many  books  spoil  the  trade. 
Many  hands  make  light  literature. 
Epigrams  cover  a  multitude  of  sins. 
Ye  can  not  serve  Art  and  Mammon. 
A  little  sequel  is  a  dangerous  thing. 
It's  a  long  page  that  has  no  turning. 
Don't  look  a  gift-book  in  the  binding. 
A  gilt-edged  volume  needs  no  accuser. 

91 


In  a  multitude  of  characters  there  is  safety. 

Incidents  will  happen  even  in  the  best  regu 
lated  novels. 

One  touch  of  Nature  makes  the  whole  book 
sell. 

Where  there's  a  will  there's  a  detective 
story. 

A  book  in  the  hand  is  worth  two  in  the 
library. 

An   ounce  of  invention  is  worth  a  pound 
of  style. 

A  good  name  is  rather  to  be  chosen  than 
great  characters. 

Where  there's  so  much  puff,  there  must  be 
some  buyer. 


Inside  Facts  About  Authors 

For  how  much  did  Eugene  Sue? 
For  what  he  let  George  Borrow. 

But  wasn't  he  Owen  Wister? 
Yes,  but  so  did  Harriet  Martineau. 

When  did  George  Ade? 

When  he  found  Clement  Shorter. 

Why  did  Abigail  Dodge? 
Because  she  thought  she  saw  Elmore  Elliott 
Peake. 

Why  didn't  Charles  Dudley  Warner? 
Because  he  was  watching  Josephine  Dodge 
Daskam. 

Why  did  Josephine  Dodge  Daskam? 
Because  she  had  George  Wither. 

93 


Why  did  Charles  Lever? 

Because  he  didn't  wish  to  see  Samuel  Lover 

What  made  Victoria  Crosse? 
Because  Albert  Herter. 

What  made  Winston  Churchill? 
Because  he  let  Eliza  Cook. 

Why  couldn't  Joseph  Cook? 
He  didn't  ask  Julia  Ward  Howe. 

Why  was  Madeleine  Lucette  Ryley? 
Because  Elizabeth  Custer. 

What  made  Oscar  Wilde? 

To  see  George  Madden  Martin. 

Why  is  it  William  Dean  Howells? 
Because  he  saw  John  Boyle  O'Reilly. 

What  gave  Albert  Bigelow  Paine? 
To  see  Grace  Duffie  Boylan. 

What  made  Maxwell  Gray? 

Because  he  saw  Jesse  Lynch  Williams. 


94 


How  do  you  know  Mrs.  Campbell  Praed? 
Because  Johann  Herder. 

Whom  will  Mrs.  Humphry  Ward? 
Hamilton  Wright  Mabie. 

What  did  William  Ware? 
John   Godfrey  Saxe  and   Edward  Noyes 
Westcott. 

Why  was  Irving  Bacheller? 
Because  he  couldn't  Marie  Corelli. 

When  was  John  Gay? 

When  he  saw  Henry  Blake  Fuller. 

When  did  Anthony  Hope? 
When  he  saw  Robert  Treat  Paine. 

When  did  Susan  Marr  Spalding? 
When  she  saw  Julia  Dent  Grant. 

What  is  it  William  Hazlitt? 
The  Henry  Francis  Lyte. 

Is  that  the  kind  Robert  Burns? 

Yes,  and  I  saw  Mrs.  Hodgson  Burnett. 


95' 


Why  doesn't  Clara  Louise  Burnham? 
She    and    Molly    Elliot   Seawell   enough 
without. 

Where  did  Henry  Cabot  Lodge? 
On  A.  Quiller  Couch. 

When  did  James  Berry  Bensel  ? 
After  he  had  William  Hearst. 

Where  was  Charles  Buxton  Going? 
To  see  where  had  Curtis  Hidden  Page. 


96 


Authorized  Versions 

Anstey  is  the  best  policy. 
Seize  time  by  the  Sherlock. 
Love  laughs  at  Hop  Smiths. 
Read  Hay  while  the  sun  shines. 
Of  two  Egglestons  choose  the  less. 
S.  Weir  Mitchell  makes  a  muckle. 
A  little  Tolstoi  is  a  dangerous  thing. 
Give  Ade  to  him  that  asketh  of  thee. 
It's  a  long  Taine  that  has  no  learning. 
A  Meredith  doeth  good  like  medicine. 
The  Stevenson  who  collaborates  is  lost. 
Virtue  is  its  own  Mrs.  Humphry  Ward. 
Hope  springs  eternal  in  the  autumn  lists. 

97 


A  little  more  than  Poe  and  less  than  poet. 
Roe's  by  any  other  name  would  sell  as  well. 

Don't  kill  the  goose  that  wrote  the  Golden 
Girl. 

Don't  count  your  Dickens  before  they  are 
matched. 

Where  ignorance  is  Bliss  Carman,  'tis  folly 
to  be  wise. 

One   touch    of  Kipling    makes   the  whole 
world  Kim. 

One  must  have  a  long  spoon  to  eat  with 
Mary  MacLane. 

Oh,  Elizabeth,  Elizabeth,  what  crimes  are 
committed  in  thy  name! 


98 


FOR  CHRISTMAS 


A  Christmas  Thought 

'Tis  blessed  to  bestow,  and  yet, 

Could  we  bestow  the  gifts  we  get, 

And  keep  the  ones  we  give  away, 

How  happy  were  our  Christmas  Day! 


101 


Out  of  All  Proportion 

On  Christmas  Eve,  as  pretty  Jane 
Came  tripping  down  the  stair, 

The  spicy  smell  of  Christmas  greens 
Pervaded  all  the  air. 

"Now  this  I  can  not  understand/' 
Said  Jane.     "Why  is  it  so? 

A  hundred  sprays  of  holly 
And  but  one  of  mistletoe!" 


102 


Retribution 

"My  daughter,  surely  you've  received 
Full  many  a  Christmas  present. 

What  makes  you  look  so  sad  and  grieved? 
Why  can't  you  look  more  pleasant?" 

"Oh,  mother  dear,"  Susanna  sniffed, 

"To-morrow  I  must  write 
A  note  of  thanks  for  every  gift 

That  I've  received  to-night!" 


104 


A  Needed  Institution 

"Oh,  sir,  what  is  this  place  so  strange, 
Filled  full  of  trinkets  fine?" 

"This  is  the  Christmas  Gift  Exchange, 
A  clever  plan  of  mine. 

Your  misfit  presents  here  may  be 

Exchanged  for  others  that  you  see." 

I  turned  my  head  and  laughed  aloud 
To  see  the  eager,  hurrying  crowd* 


1 06 


Mixed  Maxims 
Virtue  is  the  best  policy. 
The  mare  makes  money  go. 
Little  pitchers  save  the  nine. 
It's  an  ill  wind  that  sweeps  clean. 
The  love  of  money  levels  all  ranks. 
The  wind  bloweth  where  it  is  listed. 
A  friend  in  need  is  the  thief  of  time. 
A  bird  in  the  hand  is  as  good  as  a  feast. 
In  a  multitude  of  consols  there  is  safety. 
Uneasy  lies  the  head  that  has  no  turning. 
A  stitch  in  time  is  worth  two  in  the  side. 
The  course  of  true  love  waits  for  no  man. 
A  word  to  the  wise  is  the  root  of  all  evil. 

One  swallow  does  not  make  the  world  go 
round. 

108 


VERSE  AND  WORSE 


A  Tragic  Calendar 

jANet  was  quite  ill  one  day, 
FEBrile  troubles  came  her  way. 
MARtyr-like  she  lay  in  bed, 
ApRoned  nurses  softly  sped. 
"MAvbe,"  said  the  leech,  judicial, 
"JuNket  would  be  beneficial." 
JuLeps,  too,  though  freely  tried, 
AuGured  ill,  for  Janet  died. 
SEPulcher  was  sadly  made, 
OcTaves  pealed  and  prayers  were  said. 
Novices  with  many  a  tear 
DECorated  Janet's  bier. 


An  Irritator 

The  early  bird  was  singing 

And  the  sun  was  shining  bright. 
I  seized  my  morning  paper 

To  read  about  the  fight; 
But  this  sentence  caught  my  notice 

As  I  scanned  it  o'er  in  haste: 
"A  tissue-paper  pattern 

Of  a  tucked  shirt-waist." 

You  remember  certain  trip-slips 

For  a  five-  or  ten-cent  fare; 
How  they  wearied  all  the  passengers 

And  made  them  want  to  swear; 
But  that  old  and  worn-out  nuisance 

May  be  worthily  replaced 
By  "A  tissue-paper  pattern 

Of  a  tucked  shirt-waist/' 


I  12 


I  tried  to  read  the  sporting  news 

Or  bulletins  of  war; 
That  horrid  old  advertisement 

Kept  ringing  o'er  and  o'er. 
Across  the  editorials 

The  silly  words  seemed  traced- 
"A  tissue-paper  pattern 

Of  a  tucked  shirt-waist." 

I  attempted  conversation, 

And  I  found,  to  my  dismay, 
That  single  wretched  sentence 

Was  all  that  I  could  say. 
I  tried  to  eat  my  breakfast, 

But  I  only  seemed  to  taste 
"A  tissue-paper  pattern 

Of  a  tucked  shirt-waist." 

I  suppose  some  clever  agent 
Penned  that  enterprising  ad; 

I  want  to  see  the  fellow, 
And  I  want  to  see  him  bad. 


On  all  his  best  belongings 
I  wish  that  I  could  paste 

"A  tissue-paper  pattern 
Of  a  tucked  shirt-waist." 

And  now,  O  gentle  reader, 

In  a  wicked  hope  that  you 
May  fall  a  victim  to  its  spell, 

I  wrrite  the  line  anew, 
And,  graven  on  your  memory, 

From  mine  may  be  effaced 
The  "tissue-paper  pattern 

Of  a  tucked  shirt-waist." 


114 


Stage  Whispers 

Deadheads  tell  no  tales. 

Stars  are  stubborn  things. 

All's  not  bold  that  titters. 

Contracts  make  cowards  of  us  all. 

One  good  turn  deserves  an  encore. 

A  little  actress  is  a  dangerous  thing. 

It's  a  long  skirt  that  has  no  turning. 

Stars  rush  in  where  angels  fear  to  tread. 

Managers  never  hear  any  good  of  them 
selves. 

A  manager  is  known  by  the  company  he 
keeps. 

A  plot  is  not  without  honor  save  in  comic 
opera. 

Take  care  of  the  dance  and  the  songs  will 
take  care  of  themselves. 


Inside  Facts 

You  see,  all  her  people  were  eager 
To  have  it  hushed  up  very  soon; 

So  the  statement,  explicit  though  meager, 
"The  dish  ran  away  with  the  spoon," 

Was  all  the  reporter  could  gather 

Of  her  sudden  elopement  with  him— 

And  of  course  you'll  admit  it  was  rather 
Provokingly  slim. 

But  I've  since  heard  the  truth  of  the  matter; 

I'll  tell  it  to  you,  if  you  wish. 
There  was  much  idle  gossip  and  chatter, 

And  every  one  hlamed  the  poor  dish. 
You  see,  she  was  awfully  pretty, 

And  belonged  to  a  very  rich  set; 
And  the  spoon — well,  of  course  'twas  a  pity 
That  ever  they  met. 

116 


The  meeting  was  quite  accidental; 

It  occurred  at  a  dinner  one  night. 
And  as  both  were  a  bit  sentimental, 

Of  course  it  was  love  at  first  sight. 
The  spoon  to  the  end  of  his  handle 

With  sudden  emotion  was  thrilled; 
While  the  dish,  never  dreaming  of  scandal, 
With  rapture  was  filled. 

Then  the  spoon  grew  more  recklessly  daring ; 

He  was  fond  as  a  lover  could  be; 
All  sorts  of  rash  vows  he  was  swearing, 
And  he  murmured, "  Sweet  dish,  fly  with 

me!" 
"I  will," — and  the  dish  smiled  with  pleasure. 

The  first  chance  to  fly  they  embraced; 
And  now  they're  repenting  at  leisure 
For  wedding  in  haste. 


117 


JPiseacreage 

Love  is  a  fancy  founded  on  fact. 
Happiness  is  the  ability  to  recognize  it. 
The  way  to  do  some  things  is  to  do  them. 
Woman  is  made  for  man  to  come  back  to. 

At  times   there  is  nothing  so  unnatural  as 
nature. 

It  is  the  tiny  flaw  that   makes  perfection 
flawless. 

Flirtation   envies  Love,  and   Love  envies 
Flirtation. 

Contentment  is  the  result  of  a   limited 
imagination. 

Purity  is  not  ignorance;  it  is  taste  in  the 
selection  of  experiences. 

118 


Some  smiles  look  as  if  they  had  been  done 
up  in  curl-papers  over  night. 

The  greatest  cleverness  is  in  knowing  just 
when  to  hide  one's  cleverness. 

We  should  live  and  learn;  but  by  the  time 
we've  learned,  it's  too  late  to  live. 

To  be  happy,  one  must  have  an  intense 
sense  of  the  humorous  and  a  humorous  sense 
of  the  intense. 


119 


HINTS  ON  TABLE  ETIQUETTE 


To  a  Baked  Fish 

Preserve  a  respectful  demeanor 

When  you  are  brought  into  the  room; 

Don't  stare  at  the  guests  while  they're  eating, 
No  matter  how  much  they  consume. 


123 


To  Lettuce 

The  humblest  are  counted  the  wisest, 
The  modest  are  lauded  the  most; 

Don't  have  a  big  head  because  sometimes 
You  sit  on  the  right  of  the  host. 


124 


To  Lamb  Chops 

If  there  are  only  ladies  at  luncheon,- 

It  being  a  feminine  feast, — 
You  then  may  appear  in  curl-papers; 
No  one  will  object  in  the  least. 


125 


To  the  Morning  Paper 

By  the  family  you're  welcomed  at  breakfast, 
Your  presence,  indeed,  they  expect; 

But  pray  do  not  come  in  your  wrapper- 
It  isn't  considered  correct. 


126 


To  a  Salad 

The  lady  whose  costume  is  smartest 
May  not  be  the  most  honored  guest; 

Don't  think  you  are  better  than  others 
Because  you  are  very  well  dressed. 


127 


To  Cucumbers 

Who  rashly  gives  way  to  his  temper 

Is  often  considered  a  fool; 
Although  they  may  call  you  a  green  one, 

Just  try  to  keep  perfectly  cool. 


128 


To  the  Buffer 

To  exercise  just  before  meal-time 
The  doctors  declare  is  quite  wrong; 

So  don't  run  when  dinner  is  waiting, 
Especially  if  you're  not  strong. 


129 


Inexpensive  Cynicisms 

Poets  are  born  not  maids. 
Flirtation  is  the  thief  of  time. 
A  pitch  in  time  saved  the  nine. 
Every  dogma  must  have  its  day. 
A  thirsty  man  will  catch  at  a  straw. 
The  rolling  stone  catches  the  worm. 
Never  put  a  gift  cigar  in  your  mouth. 
'Tis  a  mean  door  that  hath  no  keyhole. 
It's  a  wise  child  that  owes  his  own  father. 
All  that  a  man  hath  will  he  give  to  his  wife. 
A  man  is  known  by  the  trumpery  he  keeps. 
A  profit  is  not  without  honor  save  in  Boston. 

The  course  of  true  love  is  the  route  of  all 
evil. 

130 


One  touch  of  nature  makes  the  whole  world 
blush. 

The  milk  of  human  kindness  never  did  run 
smooth. 

"Heaven  lies  about  us  in  our  infancy/*  and 
this  world  lies  about  us  when  we  are  grown  up. 


MIXED  MORALS 


'The  Two  New  Houses 

Once  on  a  Time,  there  were  Two  Men,  each 
of  whom  decided  to  build  for  himself  a  Fine, 
New  House. 

One  Man,  being  of  an  Arrogant  and  Con 
ceited  Nature,  took  counsel  of  Nobody,  but 
declared  that  he  would  build  his  House  to 
suit  himself. 

"For,"  said  he,  "since  it  is  My  House 
and  I  am  to  Live  in  It,  why  should  I  ask 
the  Advice  of  my  Neighbors  as  to  its 
Construction?" 

While  the  House  was  Building,  the  Neigh 
bors  came  often  and  Looked  at  it,  and  went 
away,  Whispering  and  Wagging  their  Heads 
in  Derision. 

But  the  Man  paid  no  Heed,  and  continued 
to  build  his  House  as  he  Would. 

The  Result  was  that,  when  completed,  his 
House  was  lacking  in  Symmetry  and  Utility, 


'35 


and  in  a  Hundred  ways  it  was  Unsatisfactory, 
and  for  each  Defect  there  was  a  Neighbor 
who  said,  -Had  you  asked  Me,  I  would  have 
Warned  you  against  that  Error." 

The  Other  Man,  who  was  of  a  Humble 
and  Docile  Mind,  went  to  Each  of  his  Neigh 
bors  in  Turn,  and  asked  Advice  about  the 
Building  of  his  House. 

His  Friends  willingly  and  at  Great  Length 
gave  him  the  Benefit  of  their  Experiences  and 
Opinions,  and  the  Grateful  Man  undertook  to 
Follow  Out  all  their  Directions. 

The  Result  was  that  his  House,  when  fin 
ished,  was  a  Hodge-Podge  of  Varying  Styles 
and  Contradictory  Effects,  and  Exceedingly 
Uncomfortable  and  Inconvenient  to  Live  In. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  In  a  Multitude  of 
Counselors  there  is  Safety,  and  that  Too 
Many  Cooks  Spoil  the  Broth. 


The  Two  Suitors 

Once  on  a  Time  there  was  a  Charming 
Young  Maiden  who  had  Two  Suitors. 

One  of  These,  who  was  of  a  Persistent  and 
Persevering  Nature,  managed  to  be  Contin 
ually  in  the  Young  Lady's  Company. 

He  would  pay  her  a  visit  in  the  Morning, 
Drop  In  to  Tea  in  the  Afternoon,  and  Call 
on  her  Again  in  the  Evening. 

He  took  her  Driving,  and  he  Escorted  her 
to  the  Theater.  He  would  take  her  to  a 
Party,  and  then  he  would  Dance,  or  Sit  on 
the  Stairs,  or  Flit  into  the  Conservatory 
with  her. 

The  Young  Lady  admired  this  man  but 
she  Wearied  of  his  never-ceasing  Presence,  and 
she  Said  to  Herself,  "If  he  were  not  Always 
at  my  Elbow  I  should  Better  Appreciate  his 
Good  Qualities/' 


137 


The  Other  Suitor,  who  considered  himself 
a  Man  of  Deep  and  Penetrating  Cleverness, 
said  to  himself,  "I  will  Go  Away  for  a  Time, 
and  then  my  Fair  One  will  Realize  my  Worth 
and  Call  Me  Back  to  Her." 

With  a  sad  Visage  he  made  his  Adieus,  and 
he  Exacted  her  Pledge  to  Write  to  him  Occa 
sionally.  But  after  he  had  Gone  she  Forgot 
her  Promise,  and  Soon  she  Forgot  his  Very 

Existence. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  Absence  Makes  the 
Heart  Grow  Fonder,  and  that  Out  of  Sight 
is  Out  of  Mind. 


'38 


The  Two  Farmers 

Once  on  a  Time  there  were  Two  Farmers 
who  wished  to  Sell  their  Farms. 

To  One  came  a  Buyer  who  offered  a  Fair 
Price,  but  the  Farmer  refused  to  Sell,  saying 
he  had  heard  rumors  of  a  Railroad  which  was 
to  be  Built  in  his  Vicinity,  and  he  hoped  The 
Corporation  would  buy  his  Farm  at  a  Large 
Figure. 

The  Buyer  therefore  went  Away,  and  as 
the  Railroad  never  Materialized,  the  Farmer 
Sorely  Regretted  that  he  lost  a  Good  Chance. 

The  Other  Farmer  Sold  his  Farm  to  the 
First  Customer  who  came  Along,  although 
he  Received  but  a  Small  Price  for  it.  Soon 
Afterward  a  Railroad  was  Built  right  through 
the  Same  Farm,  and  The  Railroad  Company 
paid  an  Enormous  Sum  for  the  Land. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  a  Bird  In  The  Hand 
is  worth  Two  In  The  Bush,  and  The  Patient 
Waiter  Is  No  Loser. 

139 


The  Two  Brothers 

Once  on  a  Time  there  were  Two  Brothers 
who  Set  Out  to  make  their  Way  In  The 
World. 

One  was  of  a  Roving  Disposition,  and  no 
sooner  had  he  settled  Down  to  Live  in  One 
Place  than  he  would  Gather  Up  all  his  Goods 
and  Chattels  and  Move  to  another  Place. 
From  here  again  he  would  Depart  and  make 
him  a  Fresh  Home,  and  so  on  until  he  Became 
an  Old  Man  and  had  gained  neither  Fortune 
nor  Friends. 

The  Other,  being  Disinclined  to  Change 
or  Diversity  of  Scene,  remained  all  his  Life 
in  One  Place.  He  therefore  Became  Narrow- 
Minded  and  Provincial,  and  gained  None  of  the 
Culture  and  Liberality  of  Nature  which  comes 
from  Contact  with  various  Scenes  of  Life. 
MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  a  Rolling  Stone 
Gathers  No  Moss,  and  a  Setting  Hen  Never 
Grows  Fat. 

140 


The  Two  Ladies 

Once  on  a  Time  there  were  Two  Ladies 
at  a  Shop  where  Gorgeous  and  Expensive 
Silks  were  temptingly  displayed.  "Only  Six 
Dollars  a  Yard,  Madam,"  said  the  Shopman 
to  One  of  the  Ladies,  as  he  held  up  the  Lus 
trous  Breadths  in  those  Tempting  Fan-shaped 
Folds  peculiar  to  Shopmen. 

The  Lady  hesitated,  and  looked  Dubiously 
at  the  Silk,  for  she  knew  it  was  Beyond  her 
Means. 

The  Shopman  Continued:  "Very  Cheap 
at  the  Price,  and  I  have  Only  this  One  Dress 
Pattern  remaining.  You  will  Take  it?  Yes? 
Certainly,  I  will  Send  it  at  Once." 

The  Lady  went  away  filled  with  Deep  Re 
gret  because  she  had  Squandered  her  Money 
so  Foolishly,  and  wished  she  had  been  Firm 
in  her  Refusal  to  buy  the  Goods. 


141 


The  Other  Lady  saw  a  similar  Silk.  She 
felt  it  Between  her  Fingers,  Measured  its 
Width  with  her  Eye,  and  then  said  Impul 
sively,  "Oh,  That  is  just  What  I  Want.  I  will 
Take  Twenty  Yards/' 

No  Sooner  was  the  Silk  cut  off  than  the 
Lady  felt  Sharp  Twinges  of  Remorse,  for  she 
knew  she  must  Pay  for  it  with  the  Money  she 
had  Saved  Up  for  a  new  Dining-Room  Carpet. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  the  Woman  Who 
Deliberates  Is  Lost,  and  That  We  Should 
Think  Twice  Before  We  Speak  Once. 


142 


The  Two  Young  Men 

Once  on  a  Time  there  were  Two  Young 
Men  of  Promising  Capabilities. 

One  pursued  no  Especial  Branch  of  Edu 
cation,  but  Contented  himself  with  a  Smat 
tering  of  many  different  Arts  and  Sciences, 
exhibiting  a  Moderate  Proficiency  in  Each. 
When  he  Came  to  Make  a  Choice  of  some 
means  of  Earning  a  Livelihood,  he  found  he 
was  Unsuccessful,  for  he  had  no  Specialty, 
and  Every  Employer  seemed  to  Require  an 
Expert  in  his  Line. 

The  Other,  from  his  Earliest  Youth,  bent 
all  his  Energies  toward  Learning  to  play  the 
Piano.  He  studied  at  Home  and  Abroad  with 
Greatest  Masters,  and  he  Achieved  Wonderful 
Success.  But  as  he  was  about  to  Begin  his 
Triumphant  and  Profitable  Career,  he  had  the 


Misfortune  to   lose  both   Thumbs  in  a  Rail 
way  Accident. 

Thus  he  was  Deprived  of  his  Intended 
Means  of  Earning  a  Living,  and  as  he  had  no 
other  Accomplishment  he  was  Forced  to  Sub 
sist  on  Charity. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  a  Jack  of  all  Trades 
is  Master  of  None,  and  that  It  Is  Not  Well 
to  put  All  our  Eggs  in  One  Basket. 


144 


The    Two   Housewives 

Once  on  a  Time  there  were  Two  House 
wives  who  must  Needs  go  to  Market  to  pur 
chase  the  Day's  Supplies. 

One  of  Them,  who  was  of  a  Dilatory 
Nature,  said  : 

"I  will  not  Hurry  Myself,  for  I  Doubt 
Not  the  Market  contains  Plenty  for  all  who 
come." 

She  therefore  Sauntered  Forth  at  her 
Leisure,  and  on  reaching  the  Market  she 
found  to  her  Dismay  that  the  Choicest  Cuts 
and  the  Finest  Produce  had  All  been  Sold, 
and  there  remained  for  her  only  the  Inferior 
Meats  and  Some  Withered  Vegetables. 

The  Other,  who  was  One  of  the  Hustling, 
Wide-awake  Sort,  said: 

"I  will   Bestir  myself  Betimes  and   Hasten 


to  Market  that  I  may  Take  my  Pick  ere  my 
Neighbors  appear  on  the  Scene." 

She  did  so,  and  when  she  Reached  the 
Market  she  Discovered  that  the  Fresh  Prod 
uce  had  not  yet  Arrived,  and  she  must  Content 
herself  with  the  Remnants  of  Yesterday's 
Stock. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  The  Early  Bird 
Gets  the  Worm,  and  that  There  Are  Always  as 
Good  Fish  In  the  Sea  as  Ever  were  Caught. 


146 


The    Two  Automobilists 

Once  on  a  Time  there  were  Two  Young 
Men,  each  of  whom  Bought  an  Automobile. 

One  Young  Man,  being  of  a  Bold  and 
Audacious  nature,  said : 

"  I  will  make  my  Machine  go  so  Fast,  that 
I  will  break  all  Previous  Records." 

Accordingly,  he  did  So,  and  he  Flew  through 
the  Small  Town  like  a  Red  Dragon  Pursuing 
his  Prey. 

Unheeding  all  Obstacles  in  his  Mad  Career, 
his  Automobile  ran  into  a  Wall  of  Rock,  and 
was  dashed  to  Pieces.  Also,  the  young  Man 
was  killed. 

The  Other  Young  Man,  being  of  a  Timor 
ous  and  Careful  Disposition,  started  off  with 
great  Caution  and  Rode  at  a  Slow  Pace, 
pausing  now  and  then,  Lest  he  might  Run 
into  Something. 

147 


The  Result  was,  that  Two  Automobiles  and 
an  Ice  Wagon  ran  into  him  from  behind, 
spoiling  his  Car  and  Killing  the  Cautious 
Young  Man. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  Us,  The  More  Haste 
The  Less  Speed,  and  Delays  Are  Dangerous. 


148 


The    Two   Business   Men 

Once  on  a  Time  two  Business  Men  were 
Each  Confronted  with  what  seemed  to  be  a 
Fine  Chance  to  Make  Money. 

One  Man,  being  of  a  Cautious  and  Prudent 
Nature,  said:  "I  will  not  Take  Hold  of  this 
Matter  until  I  have  Carefully  Examined  it 
in  All  its  Aspects  and  Inquired  into  All  its 
Details." 

While  he  was  thus  Occupied  in  a  thorough 
Investigation  he  Lost  his  Chance  of  becoming 
a  Partner  in  the  Project,  and  as  It  proved  to  be 
a  Booming  Success,  he  was  Much  Chagrined. 

The  Other  Man,  when  he  saw  a  Golden 
Opportunity  Looming  Up  Before  him, 
Embraced  it  at  once,  without  a  Preliminary 
Question  or  Doubt. 

But    alas!    after    he    had    Invested    all    his 


149 


Fortune    in    it,   the    Scheme    proved    to    be 
Worthless,  and  he  Lost  all  his  Money. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  you  should  Strike 
While  the  Iron  is  Hot,  and  Look  Before  you 
Leap. 


150 


The    Two    Husbands 

Once  on  a  Time  there  were  Two  Men, 
each  of  whom  married  the  Woman  of  his 
Choice.  One  Man  devoted  all  his  Energies 
to  Getting  Rich. 

He  was  so  absorbed  in  Acquiring  Wealth 
that  he  worked  Night  and  Day  to  Accomplish 

his  End. 

By  this  Means  he  lost  his  Health,  he  became 
a  Nervous  Wreck,  and  was  so  Irritable  and 
Irascible  that  his  Wife  Ceased  to  live  with 
him  and  Returned  to  her  Parents'  House. 

The  Other  Man  made  no  Efforts  to  Earn 
Money,  and  after  he  had  Spent  his  own  and 
his  Wife's  Fortunes,  Poverty  Stared  them  in 

the  Face. 

Although  his  Wife  had  loved  him  Fondly, 
she  could  not  Continue  her  affection  toward 


One  who  could  not  Support  her,  so  she  left 
him  and  Returned  to  her  Childhood's  Home. 

MORALS  I 

This  Fahle  teaches  that  the  Love  of  Money 
is  the  Root  of  All  Evil,  and  that  When  Pov 
erty  Comes  In  At  the  Door,  Love  Flies  Out 
Of  the  Window. 


152 


The   Economical  Pair 

Once  on  a  Time  there  was  a  Man  and  his 
Wife  who  had  Different  Ideas  concerning 
Family  Expenditures. 

The  Man  said:  "I  am  Exceedingly  Eco 
nomical  ;  although  I  spend  Small  Sums  here 
and  there  for  Cigars,  Wines,  Theater  Tickets, 
and  Little  Dinners,  yet  I  do  not  buy  me  a 
Yacht  or  a  Villa  at  Newport/' 

But  even  with  these  Praiseworthy  Princi 
ples,  it  soon  Came  About  that  the  Man  was 
Bankrupt. 

Whereupon  he  Reproached  his  Wife,  who 
Answered  his  Accusations  with  Surprise. 

"  Me  !  My  dear !  "  she  exclaimed.  "  Why, 
I  am  Exceedingly  Economical.  True,  I 
Occasionally  buy  me  a  Set  of  Sables  or  a 
Diamond  Tiara,  but  I  am  Scrupulously  Care- 


IS3 


ful  about  Small  Sums;  I  Diligently  unknot 
all  Strings  that  come  around  Parcels,  and  Save 
Them,  and  I  use  the  Backs  of  old  Envelopes 
for  Scribbling-Paper.  Yet,  somehow,  my 
Bank-Account  is  also  Exhausted.'' 

MORALS  : 

This  Fable  teaches  to  Take  Care  of  the 
Pence  and  the  Pounds  will  Take  Care  of 
Themselves,  and  that  we  Should  Not  Be 
Penny-Wise  and  Pound-Foolish. 


The    Two    Pedestrians 

Once  on  a  time  there  were  two  Men,  one 
of  whom  was  a  Good  Man  and  the  other  a 
Rogue. 

The  Good  Man  one  day  saw  a  Wretched 
Drunkard  endeavoring  to  find  his  way  Home. 

Being  most  kind-hearted,  the  Good  Man 
assisted  the  Wretched  Drunkard  to  his  feet 
and  accompanied  him  along  the  Highway 
toward  his  Home. 

The  Good  Man  held  fast  the  arm  of  the 
Wretched  Drunkard,  and  the  result  of  this  was 
that  when  the  Wretched  Drunkard  lurched 
giddily  the  Good  Man  perforce  lurched  too. 

Whereupon,  as  the  Passing  Populace  saw 
the  pair,  they  said:  "Aha!  Another  good 
man  gone  wrong,' '  and  they  Wisely  Wagged 
their  Heads. 

Now  the  Bad  Man  of  this  tale,  being  withal 


55 


of  a  shrewd  and  canny  Nature,  stood  often  on 
a  street  corner,  and  engaged  in  grave  conver 
sation  with  the  Magnates  of  the  town. 

To  be  sure,  the  Magnates  shook  him  as 
soon  as  possible,  but  in  no  wise  discouraged 
he  cheerfully  sauntered  up  to  another  Mag 
nate.  Thus  did  he  gain  a  Reputation  of  being 
a  friend  of  the  Great. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  us  that  A  Man  is  known 
by  the  Company  he  Keeps,  and  that  We  Must 
not  Judge  by  Appearances. 


The    Two    Prisoners 

Once  upon  a  time  there  were  two  Prisoners 
at  the  bar,  who  endeavored  to  plead  for  them 
selves  with  Tact  and  Wisdom. 

One  concealed  certain  Facts  prejudicial  to 
his  Cause;  upon  which  the  Judge  said:  "If 
you  had  Confessed  the  Truth  it  would  have 
Biased  me  in  your  Favor;  as  it  is,  I  Condemn 
you  to  Punishment." 

The  other  stated  his  Case  with  absolute 
Truth  and  Sincerity,  concealing  Nothing;  and 
the  result  was  that  he  was  Condemned  for  his 
Misdemeanors. 

MORALS: 

This  Fable  teaches  that  Honesty  is  the  Best 
Policy,  and  that  the  Truth  should  not  Be 
spoken  at  All  Times. 


'57 


More   Mixed  Maxims 

Circumstances  alter  kisses. 
He  loves  best  who  loves  last. 
Actions  lie  louder  than  words. 
Too  many  cooks  boil  the  broth. 
Invitation  is  the  sincerest  flattery. 
Alliteration  is  the  thief  of  rhyme. 
One  man's  fish  is  another  man's  poisson. 
It  is  more  blessed  to  call  than  to  receive. 
Man's  importunity  is  woman's  opportunity. 

Contentment   is   always   on    the   next   step 
above. 

Happiness  is  always  a  memory  or  an  antici 
pation. 

A  good  cook  is  rather  to  be  chosen  than 
great  riches. 


Pegasus  is  often  urged  on  by  the  spur  of 
the  moment. 

A  critic  is  a  necessary  evil,  and  criticism  is 
an  evil  necessity. 

A  cynic  is  a  man  who  looks  at  the  world 
with  a  monocle  in  his  mind's  eye. 

A  blunder  at  the  right  moment  is  better 
than  cleverness  at  the  wrong  time. 


1S9 


LIMERICKS 


Love 

'Tis  said,  woman  loves  not  her  lover 
So  much  as  she  loves  his  love  of  her ; 

Then  loves  she  her  lover 

For  love  of  her  lover, 
Or  love  of  her  love  of  her  lover? 


And  Tet  Another 

"I  am  willing  to  give  you  a  show, 

But  are  these  all  the  roles  that  you  know?" 

The  manager  cried. 

And  the  actor  replied, 
"Sirrah!     No,  sir;   I  know  < Cyrano '!" 


163 


The  Tutor 

A  Tutor  who  tooted  the  flute, 

Tried  to  teach  two  young  tooters  to  toot; 
Said  the  two  to  the  tutor, 
"Is  it  harder  to  toot  or 

To  tutor  two  tooters  to  toot?" 


The  4:04.   Train 

"There's  a  train  at  4:04,"  said  Miss  Jenny; 
"Four  tickets  I'll  take.      Have  you  any?" 

Said  the  man  at  the  door: 

"Not  four  for  4:04, 
For  four  for  4:04  is  too  many." 


164 


The  Irishman  at  the  Lunch-Counter 

"I  lift  home  at  tin  minutes  to  eight, 
For  I  wanted  tin  minutes  to  ate; 
Me  thrain  goes  at  9:09, 
And  now  it's  nigh  nine, 
So  there  shtill  is  tin  minutes  to  wait." 


The  Old  Lady  From  Dover 

There  was  an  old  lady  of  Dover 
Who  baked  a  fine  apple  turnover. 
But  the  cat  came  that  way, 
And  she  watched  with  dismay 
The  overturn  of  her  turnover. 


A  Word  Can-Can 

A  canner  exceedingly  canny 

One  morning  remarked  to  his  granny, 
"A  canner  can  can 
Anything  that  he  can, 

But  a  canner  can't  can  a  can,  can  he?" 


166 


English  as  She  is  Spelled 

There  was  a  young  fellow  named  Knollys, 
Who  was  fond  of  a  good  game  of  kbollys; 
He  jumped  and  he  ran, 
This  clever  young  man, 
And  often  he  took  pleasant  kstrollys. 


A  very  polite  man  named  Hawarden 
Went  out  to  plant  flowers  in  his  gawarden. 

If  he  trod  on  a  slug, 

A  worm,  or  a  bug, 
He  said:   "My  dear  friend,  I  beg  pawarden!" 


167 


A  lady  who  lived  by  the  Thames 
Had  a  gorgeous  collection  of  ghames. 

She  had  them  reset 

In  a  large  coronet 
And  a  number  of  small  diadhames. 


There  was  an  old  lady  named  Brougham, 
Who  sat  in  a  very  dark  rougham. 

When  asked  how  she  fared, 
She  said  she  was  scared 
Because  of  the  gathering  glougham. 


168 


There  was  an  old  farmer  named  Wemyss, 
Who  had  some  ridiculous  schemyss. 

His  horses  he  sold, 

And  then,  I  am  told, 
Drove  nothing  at  all  but  ox-temyss. 


There  was  an  old  fellow  of  Norwich, 
Who  was  awfully  fond  of  cold  porwich. 
As  it  never  was  served, 
He  quietly  observed: 
"I  '11  go  into  the  pantry  and  forwich." 


169 


Said  a  bad  little  youngster  named  Beauchamp 
"Those  jelly-tarts,  how  shall  I  reauchamp? 
To  my  parents  I  'd  go, 
But  they  always  say  'No,' 
No  matter  how  much  I  beseauchamp." 


170 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 

AN  INITIAL  FINE  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  5O  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $1.OO  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERDUE. 


QCT  0  1940  M. 

NOV  18  1935 

NOV   4  1936 

FEB-l  1966955 

^EC'D 

Mi  S  •••:•     j  >/u 

jyjl     IBt&l 

OfepT 

*  ' 

APR  15  1939 

HM  «w5* 

MAY  27  1940 

IAY3  1  67  "GW" 

jUL>   <^^ 

*  »        .      ..  -*    ^    i^ 

FEB2B  1342E 

LD21-100?n-7,'33 

U.  C.  BERKELEY  LIBRARIES 


CD513414D4 


90265^ 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


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